A Case of Cold Feet

You can be sure it is going to be a rather stressful day when every thought that crosses your mind upon waking ends with a question mark.  

When am I going to come back from NYC? When am I going to see my dogs again? Will they miss me when I am traveling? Or will they forget all about me?? Where will I get a job? If I get a job, will I end up staying through the winter in New York? Or will I go back to California in January? How long before my funds run out? Am I making the wrong choice? Is this a crazy plan? What if...? Where to...?  How much...???? When??? Why??? How??? Where??? 

I have to tell you, this is not a great way to start out the morning.  I sat in bed for nearly an hour as these questions ran through my mind; similar to the way the numbers on the stock market ticker race by with endless flux. 

And I couldn't help but ask myself one last question before getting out of bed: 'Am I getting cold feet?'  

I've had months to plan this excursion.  I have had ample time to carefully deconstruct every nagging fear or question.  And yet, out of nowhere, I am suddenly overcome with nerves.  

With nearly one week left to go before my impending journey, I feel more anxious than ever about taking this trip.  I know it is going to be such a good thing for me to experience, but the weight of the unknowns is a heavy burden to lug around... along with my huge suitcases. 

All these questions simply cannot be answered until I get there.  

And so, with that in mind, I am trying to look at it as a long vacation...  I have no clue what I will want to do after I arrive.  I am not sure if staying for more than a month or two will pan out.  But how can I know? I simply can't from where I sit right now.  

I guess this is just how life goes.  You have to take some chances and just hope for the best.  We can't always have all the answers laid out perfectly before us on a silver tray, but we can do our best to handle whatever may come. 

I'm just going to have to double up on the socks and slippers this week, suck it up, take a deep breath, pack my yoga mat... and try to keep my feet roasty and toasty...

Getting all worked up over the many variables isn't really doing me any favors.  Time to live and let go.   Let go and let God.  The rest are just the details. And who needs them anyway? Oh shoot... another question mark! 

Guess my feet are still a little chilly after all. Oh well... Better just enjoy what I have right now in front of me; two warm little dogs who love nothing more than to make every moment count. They are the zen masters of living in the present moment. Their paws are always nice and warm. 

 Today:

Absolut Stress

1/2 oz Absolut Vodka

1/2 oz Malibu Rum

1/2 oz Peach Schnapps

Equal Parts Cranberry

Pineapple and Orange Juices

On the Rocks!

Beware. Be Aware. Be Where You Are!

Whoa now... Take it easy!  Slow down and stop for a second! Be where you are at this very moment and take a look around!  These were the thoughts running through my mind as I stepped out into the brisk September night.  I had just been engulfed in a conversation of hypotheticals with a good friend. Scenarios presented to one another such as: if you could live anywhere, do anything, not have to factor in anyone, and money wasn't a problem etc. then what would that picture look like?

We went off on wild tangents about where we might love to live for a year or two if money or reality wasn't an issue.  It was really fun to get lost in the hills of Tuscany if only for a moment; imagining an intimate Italian feast complete with a host of fabulous European friends.

Then the conversation morphed into a petrie dish of our present lives.  We sat around, dissecting the many variables; the 'what was,' 'what is,' and 'what is yet possible.'  And a simple exploration of dreamland, took a hard turn into the bleakness of reality.

All I could think about was getting to the next place, the next phase, and far away from where I am.  And then, to my rescue, my dogs gave me one of those looks; you know, the kind that says "Mommy please take us outside so we can pee on trees and chase frogs."

I excused myself from the conversation that had seemingly peaked in intensity: our present set of circumstances all studied carefully under a microscope.  It's not so bad to take an inventory of what is, I thought to myself as I hooked the leashes to my dog's collars and stepped outside.  Yeah, it's natural to take stock of your life every so often.  

STOP! BEWARE!! Something rattled in the nearby bushes.  It was so dark outside last night, you couldn't see but ten feet in front of you.  Ok, time to take a deep breath.  The dogs promptly investigated the sound and chased the little unidentified woodland creature away.

And then, almost as if there was a flashing caution sign going off in my head, I reminded myself of the vitality of awareness.  Self awareness and the wherewithal to take stock of your surroundings is something that is left by the wayside when getting overly fixated on the road ahead. What's next has a way of clouding the simple beauty of what is.

I kicked myself for getting caught up and overly anxious for all that is yet to come.  Just BE WHERE YOU ARE!!! 

Beware of the pitfalls, the hang-ups and the self defeating habits of the past.  Be aware of the actual state of what is and how far you've come.

And just enjoy the given circumstances, whatever they may be.

I looked up at that moment at the rich blanket of stars that engulfed the night sky.  It was sublime and perfect.  And I decided that for as long as I am here, I need to just be where I am...

Manhattan may be next on my agenda and that is exciting and nerve racking all at the same time.  But, I know one thing for certain; the bright lights of the big city are undoubtedly beautiful, but cannot compare to the spectacular natural wonder of the starry night sky that I stood beneath last night.  Beneath the twinkling stars, I surrendered to the present tense and was awestruck by the beauty of nature.

And for that realization, I am aware now, more than ever, of how lucky I am to be right where I am today.  Everything is unfolding as it should.  Perhaps the daydreams and 'what if' scenarios are all around you for the taking, if you are calmly persistent, humble and patient, thoughtful and utterly aware of all that God has given.

There is beauty everywhere.

Today:

Starry Night

1/2 oz Jagermeister Liqueur
1/2 oz Goldschlager Cinnamon Schnapps

2-3 oz Red Bull 

Take A Shot!