Alpha-Dogs and Underdogs

Have you ever seen the way dogs interact for the very first time? They sniff, circle, wag, bark, mount, spray and lick.  Some dogs puff and boast their chests in a dominant way, while others tuck their tails and submit.

If you have seen this interaction before, I imagine you have also been able to detect which animals are the more dominant. This inherent nature stems back to the beginning of time, when the basic survival instinct was in practice at every single moment.  And to that point,  pack leaders are vital to the survival of the entire family.  

So let's take this a step further. 

Two men were sitting at the bar last night having a long venting session.  They were both very frustrated with the women in their lives.  That part was very apparent.  I wasn't necessarily paying any attention to the specifics of their conversation as I was busy making drinks for other bar guests.  But after a few drinks, one of the men asked me a question that has plagued the male species over and over again in our own animal kingdom. "Why do women go for jerks?"

I was so caught off guard I had to completely stop whatever I was in the middle of doing.  "Why do women fall for jerks?" 

I thought about it for a moment while wiping down the bar-top with a damp towel.  I thought back to my own previous relationships.  Some of the men I have fallen in love with have had a little bit of jerky tendencies for sure.  But of course, I imagine that I am no picnic to live with at times either...

I thought of my parent's relationship and other successful marriages.  What makes it work? Are there established roles? Who is tucking their tale? Is it a trade off? 

After a moment of serious contemplation, this is what I surmised.  "Gentlemen, I think women are actually attracted to assholes because what they are really looking for is an Alpha male. And the two are often confused to be one in the same."

They were astonished. "YES! That makes SO much sense!"  And then they were off to the races.  "But we are good guys! It's so unfair!" 

If I were to be perfectly honest with myself, I would say that I am definitely attracted to alpha males.

An Alpha has traits that are vital for survival. Alphas can be both men and women. It is simply a term used to describe a certain number of traits.  Leadership, dominance, assertiveness are characteristics that are appealing to me.  In fact I am actually an Alpha personality.  

However, when it comes to choosing a mate, women often follow their own primal instincts of seeking the strongest animal in the pack. I have heard time and time again that a woman values security above anything else. Women want to feel safe and secure.  So we gravitate toward the men who appear confident and secure.  Unfortunately, confidence can be easily confused with dominant, aggressive behavior and over inflated egos; i.e assholes.

What do women mean when they talk about security? Most men assume that security means one thing: money. This however is a very limited scope of the entire concept.  Although, I can only really speak for myself and not for the entire female species. Oh what the hell, it's my blog. 

Security is in part financial only because of basic survival instincts.  When the female is close to giving birth, they are well aware that there will be a certain period of time when they must rely on their mate to provide support and care. It is a physical and emotional shift.  

Security above all else means feeling safe.  

We all love a good story of the underdog winning the race.  And we've all heard the saying that"Nice guys finish last." 

I hope I have learned my lesson by now.  I hope that I have matured enough to delineate between an alpha male and just a plain old jerk.  

Because I think women don't set out to fall for the bad boy.  When we are young and rebellious, maybe that plays into it.  But as we grow up, we hopefully wise up too.  

Is it so wrong to hope to find a loyal and sensitive man who can also chop wood, build a fire and bring home the bacon? Even if only metaphorically speaking? Is it so hard to find? 

Or are we incapable of seeing the difference? 

For all you out there who feel like the underdog, my advice is to stay true to yourself.  Don't feel sorry for yourself either. A smart woman will come along eventually.  Just don't be surprised if she's had a few bad dogs in her past. We are all survivalists in some respect.  And hopefully, our instincts will lead us back to our true nature... to our pack. 

Ladies: stop confusing assholes with alphas.  

Gentlemen: Please do the same.

Today:

Salty Dog

1 1/2 oz Vodka

Splash of Grapefruit Juice

Salted Rim

Loyal Dogs, Dudes and Dads:

                                     

                                      

Now You See Me... Now You Don't

Sometimes it is so hard to look beyond the face a person wears at their job. I am sure people look at me all the time and make a number of assumptions.  Guests are often surprised when they discover that I graduated from college seven years ago. 

Then come a slew of questions. "Where are you from?" "Did you grow up here?" "What do you really want to be doing with you life?" I don't mind the questions. Honestly, it is much more refreshing to me to have someone try to see me as I actually am... rather than just the neighborhood bartender. 

Everywhere you look, there is a story.  There are all kinds of people in this world and we all have something to say (even if it's not what you'd expect or necessarily want to hear). 

Yesterday, I was thoroughly enjoying my day off.  I went with my mom to get a manicure and pedicure at little nail salon in town.  The place was packed.  I went to go choose my color and then settle into the oversized massage chair.  I messed around with about a dozen back massaging settings before I slipped my feet into the hot water.  It was bliss. 

About twenty minutes into the pedicure I really began to pay attention to my manicurist. She was methodical in her technique and treated every single toe as one whole being.  She trimmed, filed, buffed, massaged and painted with the precision of a skilled surgeon. It was amazing. 

Well guess what? I was so impressed by her that I became curious about this young lady.  And the conversation began.  I was completely blown away by her.  

I discovered that she had recently graduated from U.C. Davis with a degree in Neurobiology.  I mean, come on, that is super impressive. I found out that not only was this the best manicure I had had in a long time, but that my manicurist was also pre-med.  

I can't even begin to describe how inspired I was by her.  She is serving her time to serve her dream as well. 

The experience reminded me how important it is to look beyond a persons' current set of circumstances.   And I should also say that it was her skill  in the role she is presently in that made me take a closer look.  I was already impressed by her before I knew she was pre-med.   

I hope that I will be friends with her. We exchanged our contact information and we made some plans to get together when I am living in New York.    

It just goes to show you how amazing and unexpected life is.  Take a closer look at those around you.  Because your manicurist today, could save your life tomorrow. 

Today:

Hurricane

1/2 oz Lt. Rum

1/2 oz Dark Rum

1/2 oz Maui Tropical Schnapps Or substitute Malibu Rum

1/2 oz Grenadine

3 oz Sour Mix

1/4 oz 151 Rum float on top

Shake and strain

Getting Un-Stuck

I honestly cannot think of a more unpleasant, nagging, awful feeling than that of feeling stuck.  Think about it. Feeling stuck sucks. Literally… sucks your energy, your positive outlook, your precious time and your resources.

Stuck in a job you don’t particularly care for? You are probably not alone.  Stuck in a relationship that is going nowhere or is deteriorating? Yeah, I’ve been there too.  Whatever your particular situation, the general feeling of being stuck is one I can relate to very much. It is suffocating.

One of the most annoying things about this whole business of feeling stuck is how incredibly crystal clear the picture of being un-stuck is in your mind’s eye. You can see it, but you just can’t figure out how to get there. You say, “If only it were that simple to change this or that, I would.”  And then you are off in dreamland, skipping around happily in the field of this place or circumstance removed from whatever obstacle that may be your own personal quicksand.  You see yourself free.

I’m not going to pretend to hold some master key to universal happiness. That would be insane. I am not about to jump down the rabbit hole with you.

But I will say this much: I know that the very freedom I so desperately sought, I have now in some capacity. Is my life everything I want it to be right now? I’m still working on that one.  But do I feel stuck? No. I can honestly say that I do not. The road wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t an easy decision. There were hard choices to make. But it was, at the very least, a decision.  When I felt stuck, I was miserable.  When I was miserable, I imagine that some of that misery was contagious.  It’s not a good way to live life. 

When I felt truly stuck, I can pretty much always trace back the root feeling behind it: fear. 

I have always been terrified to let go. Letting go of the tight grip of control. Accepting that control itself is an illusion. And finally, moving from thought to action.

What I am realizing after hitting numerous dead ends, running in circles and suffering serious waves of anxiety is this: if you hold too tightly with a closed fist, your hands are not open to receive what could be handed to you freely. 

And if you are not willing to face your fear of making the decision to confront the perceived blocks in your way, you will surely remain firmly planted wherever you are…and that my friends, is not living. 

Life has a natural flow. It moves forward. And the only moment that is yours to mold and shape as you please is this one right now.

Let’s support our best life possible. If there is something that is preventing the natural flow of your life from moving forward, perhaps it is time to let go and go with the flow of life.

Letting go is not giving up.  Surrender is not defeat.  It is simply the action of opening up your mind to the possibility of life unstuck.

If you find yourself feeling stuck, it might just be time to do something about it.  But get ready; the momentum of getting un-stuck can be quite overwhelming too.  The reality that follows probably won't look exactly like the picture you imagined all along. But nothing ever is.

Accept that fact, and the battle is half over already.

Life is for the living. So go for it.  Loosen your grip and get moving!

Today: 

Try this refreshing little drink I dreamt up last night. I call it the:

Sailor's Delight

Stoli Razz

Peachtree

Lemonade and top off with Pama liquer

Mornings: A Love/Hate Relationship

Today I woke up on schedule at 9:30 a.m. to the sound of my alarm chiming. You may think that it sounds ridiculous that I have to set an alarm for that late in the morning, but in my defense, I only work nights and come home really late. Since my workday tends to begin somewhere around 3:00 in the afternoon, it is my free time every morning that is so sacred to me.

For a long time, I didn’t set an alarm. I would sleep in and wake up naturally around 10:15 a.m. I would stumble around slowly in a groggy haze.  I can get up and go in the morning if I must, but I would rather NOT. For those of you who do, I salute you! Anyway, I have recently decided to maximize my time in the mornings, so I set an alarm. It is the time I have to relax, write and drink my favorite beverage of the day... coffee!

I should make something very clear: I love mornings, but I am not a morning person.

In fact, I would rather not operate heavy machinery, be required to communicate in any way shape or form, or even be remotely productive before I've at least had one cup of coffee.  Coffee. Yes. Let's talk about coffee. 

I love coffee. I love the way the grounds smell when you open the bag and how they sound as they fall into the basket, and the shear magic of the crackling sound the machine makes when the brew cycle is nearly complete.  I am also obsessed with coffee cups.  And it is a well-known fact that I have way too many.  

But my favorite thing about coffee and mornings are the people I get to share them with.  Oh wow, that could sound bad.  I should clarify... the family, friends and loved ones I have shared my mornings with over the years (my dogs included).  My mom and I love our coffee time in the mornings. And my dad has had a ritual for many years of making lattes at home every single day. He even has special ear muffs that block the shrilling sound of the espresso machine. 

But I especially love spending mornings with friends over a cup of coffee.  Back in Nashville, one of my best friends lived around the corner from me.  From time to time she would come over for coffee.  Both of us literally rolled out of bed. She would show up to the front door, hair piled loosely on top of her head, no make up and still in her pajamas complete with slippers. The same for me. 

We would talk bout the latest in our lives.  We would just hang out.  And it's probably what I miss the most since leaving Nashville. I think she misses it as much as I do.  For my birthday, she sent me a coffee mug that has pictures of the two of us on it.  It's now my very favorite cup and I am sipping from it at this very moment. And when we miss each other too much, we set up a Skype & coffee date.  

Since I have been living Up North for the summer, it is my older brother who currently shares this morning ritual with me. He is two years older and one of my best friends.  It's funny how he never really drank coffee every morning until I moved in with him.  He said he otherwise wouldn't drink it if it weren't for me. And now, it's our special thing.  He jokes about how I won't come out of my room until the aroma of freshly brewed coffee seeps under my door. 

And when I am alone, which is the reality for me most of the time, coffee every morning is my time to be totally selfish.  It's like a hot stone massage for my brain. As I ease into the morning, the creative synapses begin to fire and I feel the nerve endings in my fingertips twitch, ready to write. 

One day I suspect, this time will fall away.  If I am lucky, there will be a passion of career and possibly a family of my own to wake up to.  I won't be quite as selfish with my morning ritual I imagine. But until then, this is a luxury I can afford.  

So I will steal this time while I can...  sipping my favorite beverage. And I will spend my favorite time with you.

Today:

Hot Coffee
with 1 oz Whisper Creek Tennessee Sweet Cream Whiskey

30... I Do.

For the past few months I have been mentally preparing for my exit from my twenties.  It's been a strange process of reflecting back on all that had transpired over the past decade.  All I can think of to sum up my twenties is this well known saying: "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans."

And suddenly, with the late June date rapidly approaching, I began to pull at the threads that were seemingly holding my little security blanket together.  One thread at I time. Before too long, I had unwoven a masterfully orchestrated tapestry that had been my life in Nashville.  Let's be clear. I love Nashville and every friendship I have made there. It is a beautiful and comfortable place to live.  It was where I had been living for the past five years. 

I first moved out there as a newlywed.  I had just married someone with whom I had made many plans for our future. We made a little home and a little life, just outside Nashville, TN.  It was a drastic change from the everyday hustle of Hollywood, where we lived before.  And in this quiet, country life, things began to fall apart.  

It doesn't matter why they fell apart. It hasn't mattered for a long time now.  The fact is, that road led me to meet so many amazing people and do so many awesome things. I was afraid of life beyond Nashville for a long time. I had picked up the pieces there and found so much love in so many unexpected places. I realized somewhere along the way that I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. And that part feels good. The rest of it... not so good.  For better or worse, that is part of my story. 

And so, with my thirtieth birthday upon me, I felt a sort of self imposed pressure to step up to the plate. I felt like it was time... or almost time anyway, to make some changes.  It wasn't without many tears shed that I packed everything and left Nashville about seven weeks ago.  And the decision has not been an easy one.  Sometimes I wonder, what the hell I am doing?  

But two weeks ago it was time.  It was the day I had been thinking about since I turned twenty-nine last year.  I am thirty. 

One of the most poetic twists in this story happened to be a certain bottle of champagne that was given to me as a wedding present back in 2008 by my college roommate at Loyola Marymount University.  For the past five years, I have carried this bottle of champagne around.  Initially I had saved it for my fifth wedding anniversary.  So when I wasn't married anymore, I kept hauling around this special gift, hoping for just the right occasion to enjoy it. 

When I found out that my college roommate was going to come visit me on my birthday, I knew there would be nothing more appropriate or poetic than to finally chill that bottle she had given to me as a wedding gift and share it with her.  And that is exactly what we did. The morning  of my thirtieth birthday, I surprised her by presenting to her the bottle of champagne.  I had been waiting for a special occasion and the right person to share it with. It was the kind of poetic justice that I never would have imagined. 

And such is life. Life is poetically unpredictable.  I never would have imagined things to have turned out the way that they did. But when you have moments as sweet and unexpected as these, you have to learn to let go and have a little faith. 

It may not be what I thought it would be. I may not be the way I saw myself at this point in life. But maybe when we imagine things a certain way and want to hold on to those visions too tightly, we limit our sights for possibility. 

So for that, and everything that was, that is and that will be... I say I do. 

Celebrate 30...

Never too old to make a wish.

Today:

Let's celebrate simplicity and have a glass of Champagne.

This is the bottle...

Will always Love Nashville...

Gratitude and Gratuity

Sometimes it would seem that there's no way to avoid the certain inevitable feeling of complacency. I see it every day. People walk about like drones, gliding robotically through their lives with a sense of self satisfaction that surely cannot be real.  There are too many other elements  in this world that are dangerous or challenging at best: right? At one point or another, it will creep into the daily tasks like a small infectious disease. Many people avoid it as long as possible, until the day it smacks you in the face, knocks you to your knees and affects those around you.

A false sense of self satisfaction can be a very scary thing. In fact there is no better way to suck up  entire decades of time. This feeling prevents the very essence of our inner light to shine through.  And I have experienced this first hand.

It's an easy trap to fall into. You just operate like a well oiled machine.  Today I have to do x,y and z. Tomorrow, the same.  And somewhere along the way you just stop giving.  Life becomes more about taking; what we get and how much we can carry.  That's survival. But it's also a clever disguise.

There is a cure for almost every single sad, frustrated or angry emotion.  It is a feeling so powerful, it will actually pull everything into real proportions. Gratitude.

Gratitude is an action. Gratitude is a choice. Gratitude will change your life. Instead of saying, "Today I  have to go to work," you say, "Today I get to go to work." Isn't it amazing how different that sounds?

The truth is, the job I have can be... a challenge. Never will you see more pasted on smiles anywhere than at a restaurant. Well maybe at a beauty pageant too although that's an entirely different topic altogether.

We work for tips. That is the less glamorous way to put it, but it is the reality.  So we operate in a way that hopefully increases our chances for a generous one.  Unfortunately, both guests and servers alike are so numb to this process that it is treated like an obligation at the end of the meal, rather than a gesture.  The guest sort of sighs at the expectation to tack on a few extra dollars and the server would be really upset if left empty handed.  I should make it clear that Gratuity is how I pay my bills.

I say Gratuity because I believe that it offers a more positive outlook on the entire process.  If I serve someone in such a way where I am grateful to serve them... the difference is extraordinary. The entire experience is really truly unique. The guest actually feels taken care of and seems grateful too.  And gratitude becomes our business. 

People often say, "Do this or that and I will give you a nice tip." But I promise you this, I would much rather be treated with some measure of gratitude, than some bated expectation.

Where there was once expectation on both sides, imagine gratitude.  What would the world be like if we were all just a little more grateful?

A pretty wealthy world I imagine.  Today, I will repeat my little daily routine. But I will make a solid effort to feel grateful for every task that I am faced with. I will not operate under the guise of complacency.  I will choose real, authentic gratitude instead.

Today:

Baybreeze

Vodka 
Equal parts Cranberry and Pineapple Juice
Garnish with a lime wedge

Postcards from Paris

Imagine for a moment, that you could do anything. Go anywhere. Be anyone. What wonders await you if only in your imagination? This is a practice I have enjoyed routinely since childhood. And what I have imagined for myself has not changed all that much from the dreams of my youth.  Perhaps the details have varied slightly. And since I have already gone down certain roads sooner than others and saw that picture up close, I have honestly rearranged the order of things in my mind.

But by and large, the imaginings of my childhood remain very much intact to this day.  Sure there have been times where I nearly abandoned them.  Life is too hard. Life has a way of shaking up the most absolute truths and delivering them with a twist.  This isn't what I ordered... This glass is half empty... or spilling over. It's not balanced.  And the sparkly visions get cloudy, muddled and dirty.  

But if you come back to those dreams and away from the harshness that life can often serve... then you still have a chance at them. That's the way I see it. There is a saying that "You know you have reached maturity when your memories become more important than your dreams."  

If when you close your eyes, you imagine your life full of possibility, living out your wildest dreams... then congratulations; you still have a shot at making them come true.  So maybe I am not able to let go of my dreams just yet.  And why should I? Even though the dreams I have... are really big ones.  They are what I hold to, work for, and see so vividly when I close my eyes. There is still time. 

This morning, I saw the most wonderful pictures from Paris. My best friend of fifteen years is there on business.  She is a model. And today, I imagine the rush of excitement and accomplishment she must feel to have reached this tremendous success. 

When we were just teenagers, we would dress up and take pictures. It was like a dress rehearsal for what would become her reality.  I see how hard she has worked to attain and maintain her dream of modeling as a career. The road has been a long one. But today, only a year and a half after having a baby, my best friend has taken her career to Paris.  And I could not be more inspired. I am not envious of her path; with us it's just not like that.  It is simply that her journey is a reminder to me to keep going. She inspires me to never give up on what may have seemed, a silly childhood dream. 

Maybe I am still a ways away from reaching my own version of her Paris. Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever achieve the satisfaction of merely doing what I love as my career.  To get up in the morning and know that I was going to call "Action."  Even the thought of it excites me so much I can hardly sit still. 

I am a story teller. In every sense of the word. I am fascinated and in love with the process of story telling. And one day, I hope every aspect of my daily work serves that aim. Until then, I am serving my time to serve the dream. Bon Chance! 

Today's Cocktail is for Laurenne...

Kir Royale:

Champagne

.25 oz Chambord 

Or may substitute Creme de Cassis.  Garnish with a twist.