Sunday, August 11, 2013

Wishful Thinking

Last night, after I served yet another Saturday night behind the bar, I decided to join an old friend for a quick bite to eat.  It only took about three minutes of catching up, before the conversation made a U-turn and took us back.  Back in time.  Back when we were just little kids, skipping stones across the lakeshore.

I sat there, over my salmon salad, and fought the tears that were welling up.  I realized right then, at the exact moment I said the words aloud, that I wished things could be like they used to be.

I spent every summer here in northern Michigan growing up.  The summers were as magical as anything you would read about in a storybook: campfires on the beach, fireflies in the meadows, frequent trips to the movie theater, fireworks, festivals, miniature golf and long boat rides across the bay.

In that respect, this place hasn't really changed.  We've changed.  We are no longer those carefree kids, spending all of our weekends together.  When this occurred to me last night, I had the sudden urge to cry.  And I realized, how lonely it is this summer, all these years later.

Their family made our family feel at home here.  They are the kind of people who make everything in life a little extra special: birthdays, holidays and regular old every-days.  They are the kind of friends who stay in your heart, no matter the time or circumstances that life may have turned your way.

But history has a way of hanging around.  And we have so much history as friends and so on, that the picture I had imagined of a lifelong friendship, is a little blurry now.  And I wondered; can we all get back to that closeness we once shared? Or is this simply wishful thinking? 

Everyone has moved on.  Our lives are all very different from how they used to be.  Marriage, college, divorce, babies, travel, breakups, and new relationships are all a significant part of that picture these days.  Some have mixed feelings.  Some have no feelings per se, just wishes.  And as for me, I simply wish we could all cherish the past, and create a revised picture of our future together as friends.

When I came home last night, I stood under the great expanse of the night sky and looked up at the stars.  They twinkled in that way that makes you feel so small, yet so hopeful at the same time.  As I stared off into outer space, I lost track of time and began to make a series of wishes.

I often write about a better world; a kinder place to coexist.  I have strong ideals and hopes for this experience of living life: of learning and loving.  But unfortunately, the wish of one person might actually complicate or cancel out another person's wish entirely.  So instead of wishes coming true, it's more just like wishful thinking.  

The reality is, we all imagine our lives to be one way or another.  We have hopes that might not align with one another.  And so, it's for that reason, that you can't always get what you want, because it might really screw up what someone else wants.

I don't know that I will ever again enjoy the closeness I once shared with this family.  Perhaps it was a moment in time.  Perhaps it is selfish to want more time with them than I have already been given.  Perhaps more than any of that, they represent to me, a time in my life that was simple, carefree and was nothing short of magical. Perhaps that should be more than enough.  Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

Throughout the course of our life, we split hairs over silly conflicts that don't actually exist.  And when one person is truly ready to "just be friends," the other isn't quite there yet.  I would love to know how to be friends again with some significant people I have loved in my life, without the past clouding the present.  I wish for so many things.

Moving on.  Getting along.  Acceptance.  I wish it were as simple as that.


Raspberry Martini

11/2 oz Stoli Razz Vodka
1/2 oz Chambord
1/2 oz Pama liqueur 

Shake and strain into a martini glass


No comments:

Post a Comment